“In a hole in the ground there lived a
hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole filled with the ends of worms and an oozy
smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to
eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.”
Basically,
J.R.R. Tolkien stole my lifestyle. Well, my predecessors. He thought, Look at those hobos who grow amazing beards!
What if I stuck the beards on the feet, stick them in the ground, and change
“hobo” to “hobbit...?” It’s brilliant! If you aren’t aware, the hobo
community was not credited nor asked permission. Blipo Bugshim (Pronounced Bugs-him) was, in fact, a distant
relative of Bebo, and much of his life stories were stolen and compiled. Let’s
just say the Tonks side of his family was special… Even to this day, Bebo’s
seen those nasty things called adventures, dragging Hugo and I along for the
ride, and every now and then, a miracle will happen. But it’s not a precious,
golden ring; it’s squirrels. They’re everywhere, you know, but they normally
don’t like hobos, or even most humans. But Bebo… and sometimes his friends…
Why, squirrels can charm their way into your jar of nuts, chirp instructions
into your ear, and even play pranks on a certain father of mine. And sometimes,
in the blip of a second (Blipo was not named so on accident, dear reader),
they’ll knock you out and build a mansion in a cardboard box (it’s smaller on
the outside). I’ve already begun documenting the stories. I’ll have to post
those sometime…
Of course, for Blipo Bugshim, his secret
squirrels did a lot more than make something dimensionally transcendental.
I must say, for such a great amount of
uncredited, altered history bothering me, the book and movie are both quite
captivating. Also, I’m rather eager for Blipo to face Smug the Komodo Dragon and
the Romancer by Neck (let me tell you, that guy had a five times five-star
beard). Except I’ve read The Hobbit, and it’s highly out of context, probably
to avoid the aforementioned legal issues. It’s had the hobo community in an
uproar for decades. Many a young hobo has been led to believe they will one
day, if they are immensely lucky, face a dragon,
of all the ridiculous things. It reinforces hobo stereotypes, which is quite
dreadful. On the plus side, I doubt Benedict Cumberbatch could play the parts
of the true villains, so at least I will happily see him evil. Oh, Moriarty,
what have you done… because I will love it!
Besides the three-hour anticipation and
letdown of not seeing John and Sherlock face off to possible death, there were
some other downers. Besides the falsifying of the great Blipo’s life, there
were some other false things, most distracting among them the pseudo feet and
noses. Sometimes, I just stared and asked myself, Is that their real nose, or is it fake? Maybe it’s all real except that
little bump right there… And that guy right there… It could totally be real,
but it’s not exactly flattering, is it?
I thought of those noses a good fourth of
the movie.
The feet… The feet! I know I shouldn’t be so envious—I have my five-star beard,
after all—but is it possible to have the feet of hobbitses? Not the nasty,
prosthetic parts that distracted me every time I saw them, but the wonderful,
warm, furry coating. It would suit hobos, especially in the winter.
Speaking of winter fur, hobos have a
tradition of taking the No Shave November thing further than all of them. Ahem.
“No shave November, don't shave December, jungle January, furry February, mustache March, ape
April, matted May, just shave it June.” -Unknown
I am basically a pro at manliness.
What with this hobo tradition, the
dwarvish beard styles are somewhat inspirational, and when I’ve time and the
right sort of beard has grown in the right sort of way, I will try most styles.
Well, I’ve nothing left to say. How odd. Time
to hit the books here at college… They could use a good beating.
Joe
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